DIVIDED ASSUNDER

In August, 2020, I knew I was healed from all disease and that it was time now to withdraw from my psychiatric medication. A psychiatrist–one whom I had never seen before–as I had been out of the mental health system for the previous twelve years–agreed with me and decided that I was completely well; and, yes, I should not have been left on such a high dose of Quetiapine (600mg) for the past fourteen years and was amazed that I was still on it. She approved my own withdrawal plan and gave me a nurse to call upon should I feel the need of support. She also felt that since I was so well, I could not possibly have ever suffered from schizophrenia.

   For any psychiatrist to snidely say to a recovered sufferer when finding them to be fine now, that, well, ‘you could never have had schizophrenia in the first place if you are symptomless now; your diagnosis was obviously wrong’—and despite the fact that it had been decidedly, decided upon by any number of different psychiatrists over the past forty years—is just incredibly short sighted—and even absurd.

   The invisible mind inside the visible brain with its presumed chemical condition is never static, never set in immovable patterns it is always changing; persons mature, develop, grow in spirit and in soul and in wisdom and knowledge—and in the centre of God’s will, choosing truth, grows out of the fire it had to go through for his sake, which the world calls ‘illness’ and he calls ‘salvation.’  ‘Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.’ Philippians 2:12, 13  

   This is no place to go into the fact that the drugs used are harmful and do not cure, but all my experience in being on and off medication for all those years has only proven to me their ineffectiveness to do anything other than sedate and ‘aid’ sleep. As for ‘anti-psychotisizing’ me they did nothing to help whatsoever. Apart from knocking me out when needed they were only a hindrance; and the fear and suffering in feeling a drug forcing a ‘twisting about’ sensation in my brain as it took effect was terrible—it was tantamount to torture. Once, while taking myself off my medication, they told me that I was speaking perfectly back-to-front—when they listened to what I was saying—the words in every sentence in reverse order.

   As for their ‘talk therapy’ I’m afraid I found it useless. I truly felt for the psychologists—they were so sweet those ladies and they tried hard, I’m sure, but they couldn’t possibly understand a fraction of the incomprehensible (to them) insides of me—being as they were on a completely different page to me—where I was up to, they would only think I was mad—so I didn’t tell them anything of it to spare them their own  inner-mind  damage in disbelieving me—and only hoped that they had had an interesting hour talking to me, about themselves and their very understandable problems, so that I hadn’t wasted their time and that they went away happy.

   Three of the doctors (apart from the last) had understood my raw inner terror as classic schizophrenia but despite their kindness they were powerless to treat it—God in me did that, himself—over time—and, so successfully, that the last one thought I could never have had it—but I am recovered.

   And this book is the saga of my given—gifted by him—illness—and unlocks the mystery that exists between true spirituality and true schizophrenia—the necessary schism to make a see-through person revealing the way through.